Podcast

Spirituality and relationship (part 2)
by Lama Tsering Everest

So a spiritual path has to do with eliminating ignorance to expose the true nature of our being, which is perfect and complete.
It’s not perfect and complete some place over the rainbow or perfect and complete on top of some mountain range or perfect and complete in the bottom of some deep cave somewhere. It’s perfect and complete right now.
It’s just that we can’t’ detect it. And why we don’t detect it is because our mind is preoccupied. We are preoccupied by “I”.

And as a result, we don’t detect the nature of our mind. And as a result of that, ignorance and the assumption of “I’ and the need; “I am more important than you. What I need is more important than what you need.  Where I am going, what I am doing. My children are more important than your children. My country is more important than your country. My species is more important than your species.”
And we justify hurting and harming others for the sake of “I” and me and mine.
Rinpoche called it me-my-mineitess.

It’s a sickness and we haven’t examined it, we don’t understand what it produces. Think about this world, it’s really amazing that we get along as well as we do, considering all these I’s bumping up against each other all the time.
It’s not that I don’t think you are nice people, I am sure you are very nice people,  
but nice only goes so far. It only goes so far because if it bumps against me, I have to take care of me first. Then maybe I can be nice to you, on a good day.
So our problem is not that we don’t have a partner.

Our problem is that we are disconnected from our own nature. And that disconnection is actually fictitious, because what is absolutely true can’t be left out. What is true and perfect and good, that is the essence of the totality of reality, permeates you, permeates all things. Birthlessly, deathlessly present, and unnoticed.
We have some intuition; we intuit that there is something. But again, we are so easily confused. Something must be someone, somewhere, maybe my soul mate out there, somewhere.
When really, it’s not exactly your soul mate, it’s your essence. And it’s not really out there, it’s already present.

So the spiritual path is the pursuit of essence.
And then there is why.
Because “I want enlightenment. I want to be happy: I want to be free. I want to go to the moon. I want something to happen.”
“I”, “I”, “I”, “I”. “I want to be saved.”
And the Buddha taught a different way.
He said: There is suffering and there is a reason.

If you find the reason you can change it and you can eliminate suffering.
So what is the reason?
The weather? Your mother-in-law? Your boss? Maybe your employees? Or your clients? Or the traffic?
And Buddha said: No, these are not the cause. These are more of the results.
There is something causing these things. And that is the mind.
We don’t really examine our mind, we don’t really look at our mind, we use our mind almost like a window. We look through it, at life.
We don’t examine who is looking at life, who is judging the life, who is detecting the life. What is it there that is happening?
We don’t question it.

Like someone standing in front of a mirror, who doesn’t understand and thinks it’s a window. And what they see is somebody standing there looking at them.
Just looking, and then you frown at them and they frown. You scream at them and they scream.
You don’t understand that someone is standing in front of the mirror and that is why it is showing there. It’s not a window at all.
And Buddha said: You have to find the cause, then you can change the cause, then you can eliminate the suffering.
It’s rather logical.

What sabotages us is our attachment to “I” and believing that it is true, that “I am”.
I am real, I am happening here. And in that I am, I am sure that you are too. And I have an interaction between what I am and what I assume you to be.
And it’s not even an interaction at all. It’s me and my assumptions of you. That’s it. Me and my assumptions of you; you and your assumptions of me.
And we wonder why we don’t know how to do relationships!
So Lord Buddha taught a path of compassion.
He said: you are not the only one. These problems are the problems of all unenlightened beings. And it doesn’t have to be that way. It can change.
So for one who finally gets it, like in Portuguese they say “ficha caiu” which means, the coin drops. Like you finally get it.
We might use the idea of a light bulb goes of, you finally get it, you finally realize that you are not the only one.

And they all want to be happy, they all want to avoid unhappiness. and they create the causes which perpetuate unhappiness and they avoid causes that create happiness because they don’t understand how their mind works.
This is a trap, they are trapped.
So something happens there. If you continue to think only for yourself: Ok, I can see that everybody has the same problem, but what about me?
If you think that way, then you are really qualified for the path of self liberation and Lord Buddha taught a very beautiful and magnificent system in which he refuted non-virtue.
And you can practice that path and you can eliminate creating causes which perpetuate suffering. You can do that and it will help you, personally.
But if you are the kind of person that thinks: Well, that’s great, great, what about everybody else?

If that’s possible I could do that, what about my mother? What about my kids? What about my neighbor? What about my dog? What about them?
Then you begin to enter into the path of selflessness, the path of altruistic love and compassion. In order that all of them could attain enlightenment, in order that all of them could be free of suffering, without exception.
What do I do? How do I do that?
This is really the basis of relating, path of relationship.
It’s really a path of service.

When you choose to be with someone, really what supports the possibility is karma, that you have some kind of karmic condition with that person, some story. Your story has produced that experience.
It’s impermanent. Anything produced by karma is impermanent. But it’s an opportunity for you. Here is an opportunity to actually cultivate the spiritual path, the path selflessness and love and compassion.
By eliminating the cause of self, you attain enlightenment.
This is how relationships interface with a spiritual path. They are a wonderful path, wonderful.
Well, you live with them, here is this person you live with, that you love. Love means wanting them to be happy.
How do you serve that? How do you serve that love? Every time you serve the other, you have to step over yourself to do it.

You have to leave a little bit of yourself behind there, to think of the other one, to work for the other one, to offer to the other one, to fulfill for the other one.
But this is not how we do relationships. We do relationships for ourselves.
Where do I find a person who will do a spiritual path?
People say that: I really need a good Buddhist boy, because I really want him to think of me first.
Where do you buy one? Can I get my name on the list?
But the Buddhist path is something that you practice, it’s not something you can get someone else to practice, and aim towards you.
In order that all beings could attain enlightenment, I will serve this one with love and compassion, for their immediate and ultimate happiness; that all beings could attain enlightenment.

And then it’s really just about day to day. But day to day, the ethic of letting go of your own importance.
It’s very hard for us. First of all, we come form our political structure.
Who is on top? Who is winning, who is loosing, who is being taking advantage of?
We do relationships a little bit like a ledger. I made 2.2 cups of tea for you last week and I noticed you made 1.2 cups for me this week and you are short.
OK, I will be patient, I will wait. Maybe I will show you by making another cup of tea. You will get the idea that you are supposed to make some tea for me.
Yes, I know it’s really funny but it’s just what we do.
Think about the laundry. How many times do you do the laundry before you start counting? That you are the only one in the world who does laundry and pretty soon you have to say something because you are not a doormat.
Its politics; the politics of “I”. “I did enough, now it’s your turn.”
And if they don’t do it, pretty soon we don’t want to be with them anymore, because they are supposed to do it.
It’s in our contract; we have some kind of unwritten contract. It’s very tricky. You should write it down actually, it’s a good exercise.